A Soul's Music
by Caleyndar
Summary: “You play from your heart, creating your own music, thus singing out your sorrow.” A Shinji Kaworu fan fiction.


A Soul's Music  
  
A Shinji and Kaworu fan fic written by Caleyndar.  
This piece of writing is dedicated to my beloved friend, Shin-chan.  
  
Disclaimer: Shin Seiki Evangelion is owned by Gainax, and the  
English rights are owned by ADV films. Characters and any events   
are the express property of those companies.   
  
Email: caleyndar@tac.com.au  
URL: http://www.portal-sms.com  
  
~*~  
  
First Movement ~ His Sorrow  
  
Music. The substance that fills the very mind and soul, erases  
all pain and sorrow, replacing it with joy and happiness. The sweet  
golden sound that streamed from the relic of a piano sitting before me  
poured into my ears, blocking out all my troubles, all my thoughts,  
leaving only the melody.   
  
The sound of a door opening barely distracted me as my  
fingers flew over the keys, made yellow by age. Foot steps came, they  
departed. Still I played on. This was my way of forgetting. My way of  
escaping my pain, my suffering. Rose red eyes closed, silver hair  
carelessly falling over my eyelids, I never saw who had joined our  
little orphanage. I do not think I cared then. I merely played on.  
  
~*~  
  
There were whispers. That the new comer, a boy of fourteen,  
had been abandoned by his Father after his Mother had passed on. He  
never spoke to anyone, and pushed all attempts of kindness and  
affection away. Well, he would not have to soon enough. All the  
children here were soon forgotten, left alone. We looked after  
ourselves. There was no one else to.  
  
It was also rumoured he was the Third Child, one of the few  
selected Children chosen to pilot Mankind's last defence against the  
beings known as Angels. This amused me. So this was the child who  
was the cause of my agony? I who experienced the death of my  
brothers and sisters as they died at the hands of this child? I  
wondered if I hated this boy. But I knew already I could never, and I  
had yet to even lay eyes on him.  
  
~*~  
  
Sadness. The music hurt me. It reached into my body and  
stroked my heart until it bled with pain. My eyes widened at the  
sorrow and emotion that it produced within my soul that had ceased  
to care so long ago. Who was this person that created such music?  
Music that came from the soul, that spoke of unbearable pain?   
  
The music drew me upwards, gripped my heart and would not  
let go. My hands fastened on the door frame as I reached the source.  
My head was thrown forwards, and my tears torn loose from my eyes  
to land on the rough wooden floor.   
  
He looked up just as I did. Midnight blue meeting blood red.  
The music stopped, the bow lifted from the taunt strings. He sat upon  
a bed in the single room, his cello resting on the ground between his  
knees, his eyes speaking of his pain. He was an Angel dragged in  
dust. And I wanted to make him shine once more.  
  
My own distress and past conflicts flew away, birds set free on  
the wind. My tears dried as sunlight was born on my face. Those  
tears, this smile. They were genuine. They came from my soul. Born  
for and because of this boy.  
  
"You play from your heart, creating your own music, thus  
singing out your sorrow," I said softly, a kind smile on my lips. "You  
are stronger than I, you who plays to vent your emotions, rather than  
hide them, as I do." I paused, and crossed the distance between us.  
He never looked away from me. He was as entranced with me as I  
was with him.   
  
Suddenly he blushed. Was I standing too close to him? Did  
becoming close to another person frighten him? For the first time  
since we met, he looked down, fingers tightening around his bow. I  
reached out and touched his hand. He started, darting his gaze back  
up at me.   
  
"Do you fear any kind of contact? Is this why you turn to the  
music, because it is the only way you can express how you truly feel?  
I understand that all humanity fears pain, and so you must also, but I  
believe the best way to relieve that pain is by sharing it with others,"  
I said, offering my friendship.   
  
Friendship? To have a friend? How long had it been since I  
have shut myself away from such things? Why open this doorway to  
hurt again, to him? This stranger who had destroyed my kin? This boy  
whom I did not know, yet felt as if I had known for eternity, as if we  
had been born, created for one another?  
  
"I... I don't know who you are..." the boy trailed off, glancing  
away again, face red. He did not pull his hand away from my touch,  
however.   
  
I smiled, and answered his question happily. "I am Kaworu.  
Nagisa Kaworu. I hope we can become close friends. I feel we are  
much alike."  
  
"Oh... I'm Shinji. Ikari Shinji. Um, it's nice to meet you," the  
boy mumbled under his breath. He was so unsure of himself. So  
fragile.   
  
I longed to protect him, to see him grow stronger, to smile and  
laugh. I knew in that instance, as I smiled brightly at him, that I did  
not care about his past actions, that his very presence made all my  
pain disperse. Perhaps the cause of my feelings was his pure heart  
and soul, made so by pain. The tragic nature of this made me love  
him all the more.  
  
~*~  
  
I think I wanted to hear the joyful music of his soul, even  
though his sorrow moved me to tears. This boy made me feel so  
much. It was almost unnatural. Yet it made me feel alive... He made  
me 'feel'.   
  
We spent much time together. At least, all that was allowed to  
us. Life at the orphanage was not easy. We had our chores, we had  
our lessons. The whispers were true. He never did talk to anyone. Not  
unless he was spoken to, and a reply demanded. And so, to fill the  
silence that often became our language, we played music together.  
Because through music, every emotion that one was able to feel could  
be expressed. It was better than words.  
  
Thus I came to understand completely how he felt. His utter  
hopelessness, his guilt. The anger he felt towards himself and the  
world that had forced him through such trials. Though I did not know  
the details of how he had come to be as he was, I knew that the  
factors that contributed to his state of mind involved my kin. I felt  
regret then, but one could not call it guilt. Regret that my blood had  
caused this child to become a pale shadow of what could have been a  
bright and warm burning flame.   
  
~*~  
  
His tears woke me. An anguished cry in the silence of the  
night. His solitary room was down the darkened and deserted hall. He  
slept alone. Away from the rest of the children, in the room where I  
first laid eyes on him.  
  
Shinji's light blanket was thrown off his body, tangled about  
his legs. He himself was curled into a tiny ball. Head thrown against  
the pillow, dark hair mattered with sweat. Trails of silver ran from his  
eyes in the dim light.  
  
The sight broke my heart. Yet at the same time made me feel  
such immense love for him that I was frozen, unable to move to his  
side to comfort him.   
  
It was his sudden horrified scream that snapped me from my  
trance and allowed me to rush forward and catch him in my embrace.  
He subconsciously entwined his arms around me, burying his face in  
my neck. This was the first time he had touched me willingly. And his  
tears burned against my bare skin. His hurt and pain stabbed at my  
heart.  
  
His sobs were muffled against me as he clung to my body,  
hands knotted into fists, clutching the cloth of my night shirt. My hand  
reached up to run through his damp hair, feeling its warmth. I left my  
hand there, pressed against his head, a small comfort. Perhaps to  
both him and me?  
  
"Shinji..." I said softly, gently easing my body back away from  
him. With my free hand, I lifted his face to me, and bent down to kiss  
the rivulets of salt water streaming down his face.  
  
He gasped, and for a moment, I feared that I had hurt him  
somehow. No. He merely did not except such an intimate gesture  
from another boy. Yet he longed for it, needed it as much as he  
needed the air he breathed, the water he drank, the food he  
consumed.   
  
"Tears. These are a release of emotion. The music is not  
enough, and nor is this, is it, Shinji?" I whispered, looking into his  
deep blue eyes. "I'm here to listen, if you have something to say to  
me."  
  
The child stared at me, as if I was an apparition come to haunt  
and torture him. A look of disbelief masked his face, before he  
suddenly pressed his face back into my neck and sobbed out his story  
for me to hear.  
  
Father. Hate. No, that's a lie. Anger. A friend wounded for life.  
Almost fatally. Done with his hands. Made to do so by his Father.   
  
He could not bare that guilt. He could not bare the emotions he  
felt whenever he laid eyes on his Father, the one who had caused all  
this. Thus he had requested to leave his occupation as the Pilot of  
Unit 01, the creation, which under his Father's command, had been  
the tool of destruction.   
  
So now he was here. Crying on my shoulder. My own tears  
threatened to fall, and they did, onto the top of his head. He did not  
notice, of which I was thankful for, and tightened my hold around his  
fragile body.   
  
Though he did not say it, I knew it was not the acts he's  
Evangelion had caused to his friend that forced these tears to come  
now. That horrified him, yes. That sickened him, made him hate  
himself. But it was the fact that his Father denied him what he sought  
the most. Love.   
  
The child cried himself to sleep, and I laid him down on his  
rumpled bed, lying beside him, still holding him close to my body, his  
head tucked under mine. Sleep would not over take me though.  
Thoughts burned in my mind.  
  
"So, Bardiel, you were the one..." I said softly into the silence.   
  
My hand slid under Shinji's shirt to rest against the bare skin of  
his chest. So warm, pulsing with life. I could feel and hear his  
heartbeat, perfectly in rhythm with my own. And then gently, I  
pressed my hand into his human form, sliding it inbetween his ribs to  
hold his very heart.   
  
The child smiled almost blissfully in his sleep.  
  
"And soon, it will be I..." I concluded, my tone of voice  
infinitely sad.  
  
~*~  
  
Second Movement ~ His Joy  
  
Playing the Guardian Angel, I watched over the child as he  
slept. My eyes never closing out the image of his serene face,  
peaceful in sleep. His innocent and soft lips were curved up in a smile,  
as if he dreamt of Heaven. Still in my hand, I held his beating heart,  
feeling his life pulsing.   
  
This act was an invasion of the scared territory of one's being.  
Why did I do this? Why had I reached into his physical shell to hold  
his heart? It was a lie to say I did it to make him merely feel safe,  
immersed in my love. No, I had done so for more reasons than that  
alone... I had done so to touch what caused me to feel such extreme  
emotions, the source of his sorrow, and now his joy.  
  
The room began to lighten, though no sunlight reached us  
through the thick curtains drawn over the dusty windows. Shinji  
stirred beside me, a soft sigh escaping from his lips. I closed my eyes,  
leaning over to kiss his mouth gently and withdrawing my hand. As I  
opened my deep red eyes, I found his dark blue ones staring back up  
at me.   
  
They were shinning. Filled with light, filled with happiness, joy.   
  
I lifted my lips from his and smiled down at him. And for the  
first time, he smiled back. The explosion of delight I felt within my  
heart brightened my smile, and I press my lips to his again, tasting  
his smile.  
  
~*~  
  
The sun was streaming in through the open window to touch  
with warm fingers upon the aged piano and polished cello. The breeze  
that accompanied it stroked our faces and lifted our hair as the golden  
melody we created waltzed throughout the peaceful orphanage.   
  
My soul was flying without wings, soaring on this music we  
created from our hearts that spoke of our happiness and joy. A smile  
graced my face, as it did his, as he drew his bow over the strings,  
coaxing from his instrument magical sounds that seemed almost  
unearthly. I closed my eyes, feeling this warmth in my heart combine  
with Shinji's music as my hands danced on the piano keys.   
  
Without either of us realising, the melody we played became  
that of Ode to Joy, the song I believed was perhaps the highest  
achievement of the Lilim culture. We both stopped suddenly, glancing  
towards each other, and laughed. We now spoke the language of the  
soul.  
  
It was done. I had what I wanted. I had heard the joyful music  
of his heart and soul. And it was the same as mine.   
  
~*~  
  
It had been correct, my passing thought of we being created  
for one another. As if I had been born for one reason, and that was to  
meet and love him. All this I knew to be true as I lay beside him,  
watching his even breaths, the rise and fall of his young and tender  
chest.   
  
The child slept soundly, no longer troubled by haunting dreams  
filled with past horrors. Even in his sleep, his sweet innocent smile  
could be seen faintly tracing his lips. Lips I had often kissed in the  
past few days, to show how much I loved him, to make him smile and  
sometimes blush.  
  
Shinji was like no other child I had ever known. He was a boy  
with the burnt ashes of a saint within him. His genuine emotion made  
him seem real to me, it made me feel empathy towards him. When  
this child cried, he had reason to do so. It was not because of shallow  
pain. The hurt he felt was no skinned knee, or being denied candy and  
other sweets. His suffering was real. And it so made his soul shine  
and call out to me. A fragile flickering candle flame in the wind,  
longing for the close embrace of another. This I gave to him without  
condition. My love was his forever, given to him because he was  
himself.  
  
His eyes fluttered like butterfly wings, opening slowly as he  
turned to look at me with his sleepy deep blue eyes that reflected the  
night. Dawn had yet to break, and we laid upon his bed in comfortable  
darkness. He looked at me so intently, as if looking into my very  
mind. If I could have, I would have let him see and read all. How  
unfortunate that the boundaries of our souls prevented us from doing  
so. So I smiled warmly at him, and reached up with my hand to  
caress his cheek.  
  
The child focused his eyes to look at me, and smiled.   
  
There, that joy in my heart again. Warmth, light. These were  
the things that filled my being as he graced me with his smile and  
innocent gaze. His gaze. It said so plainly what I knew he could never  
speak to me. So I spoke those words to him instead. Because it was  
the truth. One that could never be changed.  
  
"I love you, Shinji."  
  
His eyes widened, as if he did not believe his senses.   
  
I smiled at him again, gently pulling him closer to me, tucking  
his head under my chin so that we were pressed together. This felt so  
right. As if we belonged here forever, enclosed in this embrace, our  
hearts next to each other, beating as one.   
  
Joy. Happiness. Contentment.   
  
These were the things that streamed through our very beings  
as we fell into a light slumber before the new day was born.  
  
~*~  
  
Third Movement ~ His Departure  
  
A thread of sadness. Thin, fine, yet it was there, woven  
through the music I played for him. The dark haired child sat beside  
me, his head resting on my shoulder, his midnight blue eyes closed,  
as my fingers moved over the keys, pulling from the old wooden  
human creation a tune that came from my heart.   
  
Why was it there, this sadness? When I was so happy and  
content, with Shinji here beside me, the other half of my inhuman  
soul? I think I felt a stab of fear in my heart. Fear? This emotion of  
the Lilim. It was new to me. And I felt it for him. Why? The voice of  
my true self answered. One name. Zerual.  
  
My hands froze. The music ceased.   
  
A small sound escaped from Shinji's lips, and he opened his  
eyes, lifting his head off my shoulder to look at me. "Why did you  
stop, Kaworu?" he asked, his innocent eyes shinning and wide.  
  
Moments passed. I did not answer. I only stared at him. Into  
the windows of his soul, to where the pain still lingered in him. To  
know that he would be hurt again saddened me. And there was  
nothing I could do to prevent it.  
  
"Kaworu?" he asked again, concern in his voice.   
  
"I love you, Shinji," I said, almost desperately as I pressed my  
lips to his forehead. "I will love you for eternity, even if you come to  
hate me, even if you-"  
  
"Hate you?" the child asked pulling back, ears unbelieving,  
eyes imploring me. "Kaworu, I could never! Please, do not suggest  
such things... I don't ever want to lose you, Kaworu..." His expression  
became so tragic, so child like.   
  
I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, pressing  
his young body close to mine as we sat on the piano bench. "Don't  
pull away from me, Shinji," I whispered, tightening my embrace. "At  
least, not now. Let us have this time together before you must  
leave..."  
  
His body stiffened against me as I said this. Yet he did not  
deny it. Deep in his heart he knew that abandoning his duty was only  
temporary, no matter what he told himself. He would pilot an  
Evangelion again. It was his destiny, just as mine was to unite with  
the one from which I came.   
  
~*~  
  
Fate gave us one more sunrise in which we spent in each  
other's arms. I knew upon awaking it was the day of his departure.  
Zerual would come, as my kin had before, to challenge the Lilim's  
choice to evolve into a higher state. A sigh escaped my lips as I  
stared up at the dull ceiling in Shinji's room, my fingers woven in the  
boy's hair as he laid with his head upon my chest.   
  
Until now, I do not think I questioned my destiny. I did as I  
was told. By Seele, by anyone who dared to command me. The only  
pain I had felt was the connection I had with the other Angels as they  
were dispatched by Mankind. Now? I wonder... I think I was very  
much like Shinji.   
  
~*~  
  
Like the very finger of God, Zerual descended upon us. The  
Lilims called him the Fourteenth Angel, and so very quickly did he  
destroy so many of their creations. In a whirlwind, all the children  
within the orphanage were swept down into the emergency shelters.  
Did they think they could hide there?  
  
Red, deformed with four dull green eyes, the head crashed into  
the little cavern in which we cowered. Others ran screaming, some  
cried out in pain. My dearest friend, my opponent? He stood there  
frozen, staring with wide eyes, unbelieving. He whispered a name.  
Asuka.   
  
"Will you return to your Unit 01?" I asked softly, standing a  
short distance from him, my hands carelessly shoved in the pockets of  
my worn pants. "You fear to show your weakness if you do so, yet  
your heart is torn at seeing your friends being hurt." Shinji seemed  
hardly to hear, for his back faced me, his eyes still locked on the  
severed head of Unit 02.  
  
Slowly, the child turned his head, the expression on his face  
terrifying. So blank, yet so utterly infused with strong emotions.  
"Kaworu," he gasped, eyes darting from mine to all other places. "I  
can't do it! I promised myself I would never pilot it again! I just  
can't!" he exclaimed, voice rising.   
  
"But you will," I whispered, as the immense figure of Unit 00  
appeared, running towards the Fourteenth Angel with an N2 mine. Its  
attack had no effect. The explosion's shock wave ripped at us, its light  
blinding us. As it died, Unit 00 fell to the ground, lifeless.   
  
"No! Ayanami!" Shinji screamed. Yet he was frozen, only his  
eyes shimmering with unshed tears of anger, his frame shaking with  
fury and fear.   
  
I looked on, regret in my eyes. "What will you do, Shinji? You  
alone can stop this. It is your choice, and yours alone," I said quietly  
as I stepped up beside him, looking upon the gruesome head of Unit  
02. "I have faith in you, Shinji. Put aside the conflicts with your  
Father, and do what only you can do now." I turned my head and  
looked at him, smiling slightly. "I love you," I said again.  
  
He looked at me and nodded. "Kaworu... I... Thankyou," Shinji  
said, and smiled bravely before departing, sprinting towards the  
pyramid like structure that was Nerv headquarters, and to which  
Zerual now approached.  
  
"And goodbye, Shinji," I said softly, turning away from his  
fading figure. "I will see you again. Unfortunately," I whispered, my  
gaze cast down from the Heavens as I emerged on the devastated  
surface of Tokyo-3.   
  
A scene of the sun setting over a large body of water flashed in  
my mind. It was where our future lied. Another sad smile formed on  
my lips as I hummed the music of our souls.   
  
Ode to Joy.   
  
Amen.  
  
End ~ Completed on the 6th of January, 2000.  
  
AN: This isn't orignal, I know. But the human soul has and always will be  
the most beautiful creation in this universe to me. And so I simply could   
not help but explore these two characters a little more and the relationship  
they might have shared with one another had time allowed it. This is a   
study of mankind. "Empathise." 


End file.
